June of this year did not exactly go the way we had planned it.
If you’ve been following this blog for a while, you might remember that we had some challenges over the past winter. My husband lost his job in November, and although God graciously provided a new job right away, Jordan had to work an extra job during the training phase of his new job because the training pay was so low. He ended up working at two jobs (one full time and one part time) for four months. It was a challenging time, but definitely a time in which we saw God’s goodness and provision, and God used those challenges to refine each of our lives.
In February, we made plans for a vacation in June – a trip to a Christian family camp in Colorado on the week that a pastor friend of ours was the speaker. Jordan and I could not wait to get away after such a difficult winter, and we all looked forward to this trip for four months!
Surprise!
Then, in early June, I found out that I was pregnant! A new baby was not in our plan right now, but we were thrilled just the same. We were definitely happy to welcome another little one into our home.
Our first OB appointment was on a Thursday, and we were supposed to leave for our vacation on Sunday. I had been praying that we would have a good appointment and be able to see the heartbeat if God would see fit, because then we could leave for our trip without any worries about the baby’s well being.
The appointment was not at all what I was hoping for!
The doctor started the ultrasound, and looked and looked for the baby. I have done this enough times to know what we should have been seeing on the screen, but we saw nothing. No gestational sac even. I was supposed to be 6.5 weeks at this point, so the doctor told us that there were 3 possibilities: 1. I was not really 6.5 weeks along yet, 2. The baby was already starting to undergo demise and a miscarriage was coming, or 3. The baby was developing in a tube (ectopic pregnancy). If we had seen anything in my uterus on the ultrasound, we could have ruled out an ectopic, but there was nothing to see!
We told the doctor that we were planning to leave for camp in three days. Because of the possibility of a tubal pregnancy, he said that I really should go to the emergency room if I had any bleeding or pain as a tubal pregnancy is not something to be taken lightly! So we had to decide if we were comfortable with the distance that the camp was from a hospital. After thinking and praying, we decided that we were not comfortable with traveling. We called the camp, and the director was more than happy to reschedule our trip! We were very thankful.
On Saturday, I went to the ER with spotting. They were able to do a more in-depth ultrasound, and also found no baby anywhere. While it was sad to know that the baby was not developing, it was also a relief to not find it in a tube and be facing surgery! I was released from the ER, and started miscarrying at home the next day.
Dealing with Loss
Having never experienced a pregnancy loss, I was amazed at how attached I could feel to a baby we hadn’t even met! While this was not devastating (I can image that it would be much more difficult going through the loss of a baby after a struggle with infertility, or farther along into the pregnancy), we were all extremely sad and disappointed. The younger boys didn’t understand what was happening exactly, but Aidan did. From a human point of view, it seemed so bizarre. Why would God give us a baby, especially when we were not even planning for one, and then take the baby away? And why take it away in such a way that it disrupted travel plans that we were all looking forward to? What was the point of that emotional roller coaster?
By God’s grace, we have been trusting Him that although we may never know the reasons for this event in our lives, God allowed it for our good and for His glory. And in that we can rejoice! We can be thankful even in the midst of sadness because we are confident of God’s character. We may never know the “why” on this one, and that’s okay.
Moving forward with a heart of… trust?
My biggest struggle has been with the future. Jordan and I both feel that this miscarriage confirmed our desire to have another baby. And yet, that might not be in God’s plans for us! My perfect plan would be to squeeze in one more baby before I hit “advanced maternal age” (I’m 34 now – not ancient, but I’m certainly not getting any younger!). “My” plan doesn’t include any more losses, just a healthy baby in my timing. Unfortunately, my plan makes me anxious about the future because I know that God is sovereign, and I am afraid that He might not do what I want him to do!
Isn’t that always what contentment boils down to? Anxiety pours in when we allow ourselves to believe that our plans are somehow better than God’s, that He somehow needs our help in figuring out what to do. And yet, I have no reason to question His faithfulness to us. My anxious heart is utter foolishness.
The other day, we were listening to one of our Seeds CD’s in the van, and a song came on with the words to Psalm 37:4-6. “Delight yourself in the LORD; and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He will do it.” I was thinking about these words of Scripture, and how obviously, it does not mean that God will just give us whatever we want. The key to understanding this verse is the first part – “Delight yourself in the LORD.”
Why?
Because when I delight myself in the Lord, it’s all about HIM and not about me.
Because when I delight myself in the Lord, I am content with what He gives, knowing that His wisdom far surpasses my own.
I stop being like the whiny toddler who throws a tantrum over not being allowed to eat dog food or play in the street, and instead become the submissive child who simply trusts.
O LORD, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty;
Nor do I involve myself in great matters,
Or in things too difficult for me.
Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;
Like a weaned child rests against his mother,
My soul is like a weaned child within me.
O Israel, hope in the LORD from this time forth and forever.
Psalm 131
Will God give us another baby? We really have no idea. But whatever He chooses, it will be good.
20 Comments
Christie Jul 14, 2013
I am so sorry for your loss but so grateful that you shared this. Praying that God will fill you and your family with peace...
Chelsea Jul 14, 2013
Thanks Sarah for sharing your story and your wisdom. Having experienced a miscarriage almost 6 months ago, I can say that finally my own emotional rollercoaster is beginning to slow down, although I still often have to keep reminding myself to trust in the Divine Plan. I appreciate your post very much. I wish you the best in finding out God's path for you!
Tabitha Jul 14, 2013
What are hard thing to experience. My fiancé has had a couple coworkers going through this, and I have been struggling with those same questions...why would God even bring a pregnancy if he wasn't going to let it carry through. In church this morning we talked about how God doesn't always reveal to us why our pain happens; he just asks us to trust him. Seems like you've reached a similar conclusion. Thanks for sharing your heart and experience with your readers.
Donna Jul 14, 2013
My thoughts and prayers go out to you at this time. I know how it feels to lose a baby in early stages and also in late stages and you are right, as soon as you know you have a life inside of you, you become attached to it. Such an amazing miracle to happen and your love is so strong. It is much harder to lose a baby later on in pregnancy but the Lord carries you through it. We don't have the answers but He knows and we must put our trust in him. I had 2 beautiful boys after each one of my miscarriages so God is good and I have 2 angels watching over us. You are surrounded by God's love. Praying for peace and healing for you and your family.
Also, I love your blog!!
Felicia Jul 14, 2013
Thank you so much for your lovely blog! I am sad with you for the loss you've experienced, and so grateful for your wise words regarding the loss of what we think we want or what we think God should do in our lives versus what He is already doing or may have planned. I have not miscarried, but your words encourage me as I am in a portion of my journey which I want to control, plan and perfect... It is not about ME! God bless you, and thank you for your ministry. <3
Melissa Deming Jul 14, 2013
Just wanted to say thank you first of all for sharing all your wonderful ideas with us. I've passed your site along to many like-minded friends with boys. But I'd also like to say thank you for sharing your wise words about your experience. After experiencing this 3x, I too, have grappled with fear knowing that God doesn't always do what we want him to do. But more than the pain we endure, we see such riches when we truly give away our heart and entrust it to his hands. Blessings on your family!
Kelly Webster Jul 14, 2013
Sarah, we are sorry for your loss. Thank you for letting us know.
Jason and I tried having a baby for eight years and the Lord allowed us to get pregnant once during that time and we miscarried that child. His ways are mysterious. I wish I could say that it gets easier as we get older; it just depends on the trial. Still, so glad that you shared. We love you guys!
Jerilyn Jul 14, 2013
Thank you for sharing and I'm so sorry about your loss. I had an ectopic. Over 5 years ago. It took a long time to heal and its always fresh in my mind. I pray The Lord will bless your family again.
Christina Jul 14, 2013
Thank you for this beautiful blog that touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes.
Leanna @ Alldonemonkey Jul 14, 2013
Beautiful post, thank you for sharing your journey! We went through two miscarriages, and you're right, it can be surprising how attached you can get to a baby so early in pregnancy. You have such a great attitude, hold onto that even in the difficult moments. It's all part of a larger plan, and at least we have the reassurance that our angel babies are in a wonderful place and we will be reunited with them one day.
Allison Hendrix Jul 15, 2013
Love your transparency and honesty through this post. What a great example of trusting God in the fire. I am sad for your pain but know God is refining you with purpose. I have had 3 miscarriages and am always surprised at the sisterhood of women who arise understanding this type of loss. My prayer for you now is that God will grant you the desires of your heart. If His plans differ from yours, I pray He will change your heart's desire. Thank you for sharing a piece of your life.
Holly Jul 15, 2013
Thank you so much for this post. It speaks volumes, to all of us in whatever situations we find ourselves in....
Tiffany Good Jul 15, 2013
I speak joy, peace, and healing upon you and your family in Jesus' name! Bless you for sharing this with us.
Bethany Jul 16, 2013
Dear Sarah, I so enjoyed meeting you at the Homeschool Conference earlier this year. (I was that crazy mom who chased you & your boys down the hallway!) :) This post is absolutely beautiful. We lost our first baby to miscarriage and now have two more precious babies whom we adopted in our arms...I am blessed to read of your trust in God's perfect plan for your family. Hugs to you.
Sarah Jul 17, 2013
Not crazy at all! We really enjoyed meeting you at the conference! Thanks so much for your kind comment.
Maria Jul 29, 2013
I am so sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing your story. I needed to hear from someone else. My husband and I were surprised with a pregnancy at the beginning of May, and devastated by loss by the end of the same month. Because the pregnancy was a surprise, and I told very few people it has been a very lonely grieving process. Two months later, I feel as though I am the only one who remembers. Sometimes I just want to know that it is okay to grieve.
jacqueline.peete Jul 30, 2013
Thirty-four years ago my daughter died several hours after birth,I didn't think that I would ever get over her passing.Like most people I wanted to know how god could let something like this happen.Being more mature now I
god had no hand in the death of my daughter.
Bad things happen to good people every day,all we can do is pray that god
will bless us us with more children.
I now have two lovely girls
and a handsome grandson
Brooke Jul 31, 2013
Sarah, so sorry you had to go through this. My third pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 12 weeks. It is a hard thing to go through whether it's your first, fifth or anywhere in between. We never know what God's timing is. Sometimes it's easy to see why things happened the way they did, sometimes it isn't until further down the line in our lives that we realize, but most often we just don't know. It's hard when our "why's" don't get answered. Sometimes I wish I had a plan with my life all mapped out on it but then this life wouldn't be a trial of faith. And these experiences are what build us and make us stronger if we let them. I'm glad you guys were able to go on your fun vacation a little later. That's what I was able to do and it was great to have a little change of scenery and be together as a family. You have such a wonderful family! We still miss our neighbors :)
Sarah Sep 21, 2013
Sarah, I missed this in July. I'm sorry to hear this but delighted to hear the good news now.
We've been through this, too, on a couple of occasions.
34 seems young! Our youngest was born when I was 44 and our next to youngest when I was 41.Both are healthy and the pregnancies were normal although I was a bit more tired with the last. Praying that all goes well for you.
Theresa Sep 21, 2013
Thank you so much for sharing this story!!! The first time I was pregnant I miscarried, then we had our beautiful son without any problems (he is almost 4 now) and a year and half ago I had another miscarriage 2 days before we were supposed to hear the heartbeat. I read what you wrote and thought exactly! It IS truly amazing how we develop such strong feelings for someone we haven't met yet. Although time does heal, the scar will always remain of our baby. We named our babies and it is comforting to know that God is rocking our babies and the angels are singing them the most amazing lullabyes! Thank you again for sharing your story, this situations happens to many people but when going through it, it seems as though we are the only ones to deal with this kind of thing. I have found much healing in talking about it with others and my heart goes out to everyone who has had to endure such a loss.
Kelly Sep 22, 2013
This is such a personal story for you to share - thank you for your courage and strength. I think many will find it an encouragement. I, myself, have 4 wonderful kiddos (ages 7 - 2 years). But I had a miscarriage in-between each, for a total of 3. I was fairly early on with each loss but it was a loss just the same. As you said, it is amazing how you can bond with a baby so quickly and feel such a deep loss. One promise that I clung to was that joy would come in the morning. And it does. I actually wanted to name my third kiddo Joy for that reason (we didn't and decided on Ainsly instead ;) Another thing I cling to even now is that Jesus will hand me my babies on that wonderful day when we all arrive in heaven. I will have 3 babies to hold and love and watch grow up there. I look forward to that day when I will meet them. Prayers for you as you grow that new life in you, for your strength and health and for that of your precious baby.
Post a Comment